Cherimon - A million times

Cherimon – I love you a million times

"Alex? Alex?"
I woke up from my reverie to find a skinny boy that I knew all too well standing in front of me, his hands at his hips and an entertained expression on his face. I reddened.
To make it that much worse, he laughed at my expression. "I just said I was going over to Tom's, I won't be back for dinner I think."
Hot anger seared through my veins and I tensed. Charlie was so innocent. Couldn't he see Tom was clearly trying to get into his pants? I sighed. Of course he couldn't. Tom was Ed's boyfriend, and Charlie would never think Tom would ever cheat on Ed. But I had seen Tom looking at Charlie when Ed wasn't looking, and his eyes just screamed lust. Charlie was once again clueless.
But my face was showing a lot of emotions against my will, I couldn't contain them, and Charlie sat down beside me. I felt such a tension that my breath hitched.
"Are you all right, mate? I could stay home if you want me to, you don't look too well… " Charlie trailed off, concerned. I looked to the side, right in his face. Not a trace of suspicion in those blue eyes. I averted my head.
"No, go on. I'll be fine," I murmured, "I need to finish editing my new video anyways."
He didn't immediately leave. After a minute or so he reluctantly stood up, never averting his eyes from me, that annoying concerned look still on his face. Well, to be honest, of course I only found it annoying because right now it brought me to insane anger-levels, knowing that Tom had nothing but bad things in mind for this amazing, innocent, sweet and just awesome boy.
When he had finally put on his jacket and opened the door, he said an earnest "If anything's up, call me, and I'll be home as fast as I can." I waved my hand in acknowledgement, still not meeting his eyes, and as soon as I heard the door close, I covered my face with my hands, wanting to call him up immediately, saying that yes, there was something wrong, that he needed to stay with me. But I knew Charlie was dying to see Tom, having not seen him for three weeks, and that seeing Tom would be his preference over another evening of nothingness with me, playing video games or watching Wall-E for the umpteenth time.
It would be selfish to not let Charlie go, just because I knew I'd have to tell him why I wanted him here, with me, and why I didn't want him and Tom to be together. I just couldn't face the fact that I felt more for the scrawny boy than just friendship. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't ruin everything we had by uttering three words, hoping he'd say them back. And I didn't really know if I was feeling love, actual love for him. What if it wasn't so? What if I told him, then found out I didn't and our friendship was over for nothing?
I curled into the couch I was seated on and I only fell asleep after a long time.

It seemed to me that my night's rest had only been a few minutes, but when I woke the sun was already peeping in through the tiny gap between the curtains –which I couldn't remember I'd closed – and I was lying underneath a blanket of which I was certain had not been there when I fell to my not quite satisfying sleep. I blinked my eyes a couple of times and sat up. Charlie was sitting on the couch at my feet, his legs curled up, his chin resting on his knees. He was holding a cup of steaming hot tea and he was looking at me, straight in the eyes. Only his had dark, blackish bags underneath them, - and I knew he hadn't slept at all – and they were misted over.
"Charlie?" I began softly, scooting closer to him, sitting on my knees so that I could take a good look at him, "What's wrong?" I asked him, although I thought I already knew the answer.
He averted his head, resting his cheek on his knees, and he began to shake lightly.
"Christ, Charlieburg," I muttered as I pried  the cup out of his ice-cold hands, uncurling his fingers one by one, and set it on the floor next to us.
He broke down completely, shaking all over, fat tears falling from his beautiful eyes, and I folded myself around him, comforting him but trying at the same time not to scare him.
I wiped away the tear hanging from his chin. "What happened?" I asked softly.
Charlie just shook his head and burrowed his head in my shoulder.
And as I held him close to me, I knew I'd been selfish to let Charlie go over to Tom's, and horribly so. Of course I should have warned him. Of course I should have told him to stay. Of course I should have told him everything. Of course I should have told him I loved him.
He raised his head slowly, swallowing back the tears and I drew back a little, but he immediately tugged at my arm, and I kept my arms closely around him.
"What did he do?" I looked into his eyes, trying to see the damage that Tom had done.
Charlie's breath hitched. "Not much… he just tried to… kiss me… and I freaked out."
Suddenly he grabbed my face with both of his hands, and I marvelled at the strength of his touch, and the fierceness shining from his eyes. "I don't love him, Alex. I guess I sort of knew he liked me, but I hoped we could still be friends… I don't love him, Alex," he said, almost pleading. As I stared into those deep blue eyes, all my brain, my brilliant brain that had once got me into Mensa, could think of as a response was "Er." Well, fuck.
He lowered his hands, resuming his weeping, but silently this time, and I cursed my brain.
I moved slowly, as not to scare him. I slowly put my hand on the side of his face, my heart beating so fast I was sure he would feel my pulse through my hand. I turned his face back to me.
"What are you saying?" I said, with a much, much less manly voice I wanted it to be. I searched for his answer in his eyes, but I didn't have to search long at all.
In a second, his lips were on mine. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. My hand fell limply from his face onto the softness of the couch. And then I completely froze.
Charlie, not getting a response, moved his lips away from mine, staring at me with such a sad look in his eyes that I could swear a piece of my heart broke off. With a feeling of horror, I realised that my eyes were still wide open in shock. I quickly blinked and tried to resume a normal breathing pattern.
"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so, so sorry." Charlie cried as he covered his face with his hands, but I couldn't let him cry again. Not anymore. "After Tom tried to force himself on me, I try the same with you, I shouldn't have, I'm so sorry, I couldn't help myse-"
I could hear the air whoosh out of his mouth as if hugged him ever closer, trying to let my feelings be understood through the hug. And I knew, I just knew I had been lying to myself. I loved him. I loved Charlie. I loved my best friend. I was in love with him. And I had been for forever.
As I pulled back, this time it were his eyes that were shocked, and my eyes emitting a fierce power. "I love you, Charlieburg. I fucking love you." I said earnestly, a little too loud.
I watched in awe as the gorgeous face before me slowly formed itself into a smile, making the blue eyes sparkle through the mistiness of tears, showing me the most perfect sight ever to be seen. And then his lips crashed into mine again, and they found my lips willing this time. As I slowly closed my eyes, my lips melting into his, I knew that I had been stupid to not say it to him earlier. As if to make up for my mistake, I said it again. And again. And again. I murmured it through the kiss, and I felt his lips tugging up into a smile. He pulled back and I reluctantly let him go, and opened my eyes. He was staring at me triumphantly, his hand still on my left cheek, and said "I love you, Alex. I love you a million times." And he pulled me in for another kiss, then moving his mouth to my neck, kissing my jaw line, and my brain happily fuzzed and died.